Chill out man...

Well, maybe I'm being a bit too serious these days... Really miss the old me, who just chills out, relax and enjoy all life's perfect secrets :)

...I should start living again :D

I'll be seeing you - Billie Holiday

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find youa
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

What has become of me...?

What has become of me...?
I've felt the change, I've felt that cold hand laid across my heart.

When I sat out side under the winter night sky tonight; feeling the harsh burn of the smoke and taking in all the smooth beats of Billie Holiday's 'I'll be seeing you'. I felt the change, I felt this sudden chill, then it stayed. It's like my heart just froze and I did not know how to react to it. Has my body gone into defense mode? It's almost cruel, but the part where it felt more pleasant was the most frightening. Could I ever love again? I don't even tear anymore. What has become of me...?

Listening to Billie's voice, truly the voice of an angel, as I wondered around aimlessly in the middle of the night. I asked God how exactly do you play this game you've set up for us, that we call 'life'? Is there rules to this magic we so call 'love'? How could we be punished by it when we don't even know the rules?

Silence...

What has become of me...?

We live in a world like this....

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

that special someone...

TYPE: It takes a minute to find a special someone, an hour to appreciate them. A day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them... x

TUE. 3 AUG 10.

Once again... I failed. I fall in silent that felt like forever, as the the thorns of hell awaits me and the bottom.

Amor screams. Diosa tugs on her gown, begging for forgiveness. She kicks her grip away with such force that nearly broke her arm. She screeches even louder from her touch, she claws n Diosa's direction, scratches her left leg and got hold of her gown. Diosa panics and tries to escape her harsh grip, but torn her gown in the process.


I want to scream to him that I am so sorry that I'm not good enough, I can't ever please you or satisfy your needs. Does she really love you more than I do? Are you truly happier with her? What is wrong with me!? Why can't two people love each other and be happy perfectly together forever? I want the whole world to understand my pain, I would yell, scream my lungs out and cry until my tears dry if I can... it's not fare.

Sometimes I wish I've never loved, what's the point anyway? I keep trying and always just end up being crushed and crumble away by this supposedly magical force that kept this world running 'til now.
I close my eyes, I stop breathing, I become unaware of everything. I shut the whole world out. I pretend that he never existed, he never entered my life. I attempted to delete him out of my life but just couldn't do it, this feeling burned me too deep already.
The train I take every day and evening, from and to my classes goes right pass his house. It's like reality just kicks me in the face every time; he's not just my nightmare, he actually happened. I see his car sometimes there, sometimes not. I see the clothes on his liner change every now and then. I see the place where we used to sit and chat until the sun sets; we would drink tea and eat cookies, sometimes we would take turns on playing the guitar to each other.


My world turned black and white once again; no sun ever dares to shine, and I walk around like an empty shell. I feel as if I am a lost ghost, never really here or there, like I'm not really alive at all. I wish my Heavenly Father above could take me away from this lonely materialistic world. I wish he could make time go faster, make my pain go away, make me disappear...

What happens to a person when you stab them? They would bleed; lots of fresh blood oozing out of their wound, draining their heart empty. What happens after that? They feel the pain and the shock, they feel their skin burn like acid eating them away. They feel their weak heartbeat slow down. They feel the death's kiss, cold and terrifying. After that? They say their prayers and we shall farewell them.
I often wish that some tragic accident would happen to me. I don't really care anymore; I started living my life more dangerously, I no longer fear death, because I'm not actually alive at all. I would either survive the accident and go on a survival quest from God or I would simply die instantly.

No body nor ramins would be found, never shall you see my pain nor my scares that proves I walked this earth...