Thur.15th July .10 There's an elephant following me!

Woke up this morning feeling a bit crooked, not sure why, but maybe some of those sleepless nights and those constant nightmares are finally catching up to me.
The first thing I felt was emptiness; a very super, big, fat one staring right back at me. It's that stupid elephant, people would normally call it depression, but I call him Eddy.

Eddy would actually be a good friend if he doesn't always take up so much space and your time. Most of the time alone I spent with Eddy, he seems pretty nice at the start, but once your in his company for too long he gets irritating. He would follow you around like a big baby. When you go to the shops, people would stare but keep their distance. They generally look at Eddy's size and go wow, but afraid to get his attention, because if Eddy sees you like him, he would invite his friends around to follow you.

I feed Eddy heart aches and loneliness most of the time, silence would be our audience; they seem to like my muted show a lot. I would tell Eddy about my troubles and odd dreams that I had, the things you can't really just walk up to someone and start a conversation on. Eddy would listen, he hears it all with his big flapped ears, but he doesn't speak. I could tell by his expression that he understands me, he gives me the warmth back to feed my emotions and he comforts me. These days I begin to think that maybe I am the one feeding off poor Eddy, not the other way around. That thought scares him.

Eddy follows me around a lot lately, it is hard to lose him. I would run around the corner to hide or escape by listening to music when he irritates me, but he would always know what I'm doing or where I am...

Wed. 14th July .10

Last night I was really emotional about what happened between my love one and I, I couldn't keep him out of my mind. I tried to sleep it off but failed, I was out of ideas on how to keep it out and time was slowly creeping towards 2am. I prayed. I told the one above that he is the one throwing the dice for us all, and His heart is as cold as ice, but surely all this is going to work out the best for us all right? We ma not understand this whole thing right away, but soon when the time is right, He shall guide us.

I would like to just for one second of my life to know that I am in control; seems so hard to even try and make the smallest things go my way for a change. The chance never comes and my faith in believing is slowly dying.

I've decided that my brain and my heart have two different mind of their own, my body has no control :( So on the edge of becoming a nutter, I named my brain Diosa (meaning Goddess) and my heart Amor (meaning love). (Am I insane already? Does naming your own organs count?)

I set Diosa free out of her cage for the night, attempting to keep my lover out of my head. I let her roam free in the land of imagination and secrets. To help her dance for the wind and soul of my magical garden, I played Claude Debussy's 'Claire de lune'.
Diosa danced so beautifully in the notes of music; she painted and drifted towards Amor's cage, which I tightened the lock before hand. Diosa flashed the image of the troubled male, Amor sighed, shivered and shrank back in the dark.
I called for Diosa, but she does not hear; she kept close at Amor's cage. She twisted and twirled, she played a memory of mine to Amor. My love came in sight, he presented the viewer with violet blue orchids wrapped up with gold paper. He reaches out to touch Amor's soft and delicate cheeks. Amor smiled a weak smile that made her cheeks blush, she drifted towards the edge of the cage following his touch. Our gaze locked, his blue, crystal clear eyes agreed with mine... I bloomed.


Diosa slowly glide over next to Amor, she does not notice as she was weak under his gaze. Diosa moves closer, she mimics and whispered " I'm not... sure... we're just not... can't... together... well, goodbye." Those blue eyes suddenly turn bitter and hollow. he is fading away from me! A struck of panic fell across Amor's pretty little face, she lets out a shock scream as she leaps for his shadowing hand, but was restricted by the golden cage the burned her skin.
"No! come back..." Amor's eyes wide open with tears, searching for for that familiar image, but he was gone. She's frightened, she cried, she shook my cage and she broke free. Diosa fled.

It's a mess out there, Amor fell to the ground. Flowers turned gray, trees shred it's leaves, black and white... storm in the distance as it begins to shower. Her soft wings and her best gown now soaked, her frail foot steps treads towards her love roses, which has down turned dark gray and fragile. She begin to sob her sorry tears; Amor felt weak and abandoned. All the love has been drained out of her; what use is there of a heart that has no love?

Finally, she collapsed in her roses, they no longer give her the strength to go on, they no longer comfort her. Big drops of heart ache begin to leak from her empty eyes, she could no longer hold them in, they had filled her over the top.
The rain got heavier as her body sinks down, drowning in her own hopeless tears. She drew her last breath and fare welled her love rose garden.

I woke up with a shock, gasping for air, I panicked. My pillow soaked with my tears, Claude Debussy still finely playing 'Claire de lune' in the background. I quickly checked Diosa and Amor's cages... they stare back at me with their innocent eyes, safe and sound.

I got dressed, had some breakfast and head out for another lifeless and tiring day.

confused...

would it seem foolish of me if I want to give him another chance?