Chill out man...

Well, maybe I'm being a bit too serious these days... Really miss the old me, who just chills out, relax and enjoy all life's perfect secrets :)

...I should start living again :D

I'll be seeing you - Billie Holiday

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find youa
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

What has become of me...?

What has become of me...?
I've felt the change, I've felt that cold hand laid across my heart.

When I sat out side under the winter night sky tonight; feeling the harsh burn of the smoke and taking in all the smooth beats of Billie Holiday's 'I'll be seeing you'. I felt the change, I felt this sudden chill, then it stayed. It's like my heart just froze and I did not know how to react to it. Has my body gone into defense mode? It's almost cruel, but the part where it felt more pleasant was the most frightening. Could I ever love again? I don't even tear anymore. What has become of me...?

Listening to Billie's voice, truly the voice of an angel, as I wondered around aimlessly in the middle of the night. I asked God how exactly do you play this game you've set up for us, that we call 'life'? Is there rules to this magic we so call 'love'? How could we be punished by it when we don't even know the rules?

Silence...

What has become of me...?

We live in a world like this....

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

that special someone...

TYPE: It takes a minute to find a special someone, an hour to appreciate them. A day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them... x

TUE. 3 AUG 10.

Once again... I failed. I fall in silent that felt like forever, as the the thorns of hell awaits me and the bottom.

Amor screams. Diosa tugs on her gown, begging for forgiveness. She kicks her grip away with such force that nearly broke her arm. She screeches even louder from her touch, she claws n Diosa's direction, scratches her left leg and got hold of her gown. Diosa panics and tries to escape her harsh grip, but torn her gown in the process.


I want to scream to him that I am so sorry that I'm not good enough, I can't ever please you or satisfy your needs. Does she really love you more than I do? Are you truly happier with her? What is wrong with me!? Why can't two people love each other and be happy perfectly together forever? I want the whole world to understand my pain, I would yell, scream my lungs out and cry until my tears dry if I can... it's not fare.

Sometimes I wish I've never loved, what's the point anyway? I keep trying and always just end up being crushed and crumble away by this supposedly magical force that kept this world running 'til now.
I close my eyes, I stop breathing, I become unaware of everything. I shut the whole world out. I pretend that he never existed, he never entered my life. I attempted to delete him out of my life but just couldn't do it, this feeling burned me too deep already.
The train I take every day and evening, from and to my classes goes right pass his house. It's like reality just kicks me in the face every time; he's not just my nightmare, he actually happened. I see his car sometimes there, sometimes not. I see the clothes on his liner change every now and then. I see the place where we used to sit and chat until the sun sets; we would drink tea and eat cookies, sometimes we would take turns on playing the guitar to each other.


My world turned black and white once again; no sun ever dares to shine, and I walk around like an empty shell. I feel as if I am a lost ghost, never really here or there, like I'm not really alive at all. I wish my Heavenly Father above could take me away from this lonely materialistic world. I wish he could make time go faster, make my pain go away, make me disappear...

What happens to a person when you stab them? They would bleed; lots of fresh blood oozing out of their wound, draining their heart empty. What happens after that? They feel the pain and the shock, they feel their skin burn like acid eating them away. They feel their weak heartbeat slow down. They feel the death's kiss, cold and terrifying. After that? They say their prayers and we shall farewell them.
I often wish that some tragic accident would happen to me. I don't really care anymore; I started living my life more dangerously, I no longer fear death, because I'm not actually alive at all. I would either survive the accident and go on a survival quest from God or I would simply die instantly.

No body nor ramins would be found, never shall you see my pain nor my scares that proves I walked this earth...

Sat. 31 July 10

Sitting here listening to her dreadful whining, slowly picking empty the insides of my skull... Feeling like my insides are going to collapse on me.
I could never understand why things turned out this way, but what can you do? The most precious thing on this planet is time. Many days I wish things could be different, how much I wish it is only a click of a finger to turn back time. Had God made our lives cross over for a reason? I see no sense in this. Is this truly for the greater and the better future that supposedly lay before us all? Where did my father above gone? Had He feel no love for me? Had I been an awful daughter? Please help me father...


I had to cover up Diosa's cage, she's driving me crazy. She might be upsetting Amor more than me, but I don't even know anymore. Diosa continues to whine, now even louder than before.
Amor had already shed her wings, she's lost hope. Every night her heart-wrenching cry wakes me up. I could no longer comfort her without waking Diosa, so I just stay still where I am; in that awful dream tat tortures all of us.

It would always begin with him and I sitting on the swings together, laughing, joking about, having the best of time. I could see our little cottage home in the distance with the warming glow of lights pouring out from the windows. The next second, we would be chasing each other around in our little front yard next to the lake, which we called the ice Queen. He would grab hold of my arm and spin me around, catching my fall in his strong arms. We would laugh even more and uncontrollably until we run out of breath. Then he would land a gentle and warming kiss on my cheek that felt like forever engraved into my melting heart.
Amor would have her beautiful wings back, she would once again; enchant us with her charming voice that would even warm someone like Hitler's heart up.


Near our house, there is a hill protecting us from all the evil things outside. The hill is covered with blooming orchids in the color of blue, purple, pink and white.
Then one day, a little bicycle would appear out of nowhere in our little from yard. So he and I decided to get our picnic gear and head up the hill for the best view. The day would seem endless, we would ride up and down the hill, spinning in circles round and round on the bike laughing. And finally when the sun sets at the end of the day, we would park our bike near by and start our picnic. We had wine, pasta and cheese cake. Under the candle light, we would enjoy the most stunning view; with the sun setting over the ice Queen, our little cottage home down the bottom with the swings staring up at us jealously. He would hold me in his arms and forever whisper in my ear those favorite words I love to hear 'I love you...' until I fall asleep.


Then I would wake up to the cold stare of Eddy. The girls are silent under his cold stare. My voice would be stuck in between my aching, dried up throat. I check the time, 5:45am exactly, the same time as every other morning. I would sigh and tell Eddy to piss off, roll over and hope to squeeze more sleep out of me.

My beautiful nightmare would continue to torture me night after night... In the background I could hear Diosa's horrible whining and Amor's heartbreaking cry...

...endless.