Mon 24th May .10

Tonight we watched a movie called 'Post Grad', and the main character's boyfriend looked a lot like my second boyfriend, Lex; he walks the same, talks the same, even some of the story line are similar.
For some reason these days, things kept reminding me off him, it seems like I've been living off the happy memories of when Lex and I were together. Remembering the time when we first meet, the times when we went out, our first kiss together, the time when he picked me my first rose from the garden... it was so simple, but we were just so happy together.


We meet at a space camp during school. When I first noticed him was when I was walking down to breakfast; he was in his short shorts and trainers, puffing his lungs out from running training. To be honest, I thought he was kinda dorky, so didn't pay much attention to him.
The next contact we had was during a project, our group was in trouble and we needed a pair of scissors, so I ran over to his group (well, more like tootled over :S) and pretty much demanded him to get me one. He was very shy but kind, he listened and got me theirs.

After that, we were eating at the canteen, I was with my friend Allen, and Lex was the only one left eating except for us. I felt sorry for him that he had no friends, so I asked him to come over and sit with us. I don't think he wanted to, but he was too shy to say no, so he listened and came over. I remember asking him his name numerous times, it was embarrassing. I kept thinking that his name was Fred for some odd reason. He must have thought I had a memory like a gold fish or something. :P


I don't remember how we got each others numbers, but I texted him at 'lights out' to see if he wanted to watch some tv with me at the common room. However, by the time he got there, the room was already locked, so we ended up trying to get back in the dorms to find ourselves locked out! Thank God that his room was on ground level and his window was open so we could climb in. I was the first one trying to get through the window, but I had some trouble (fat butt), so he pretty much shoved me in.
After we got in, he wasn't tired and neither was I, so we decided to have a chat and hang out for a while. I remember that it was getting rather stuffy in the room at one point, so he started taking off his jumper. Half way through, with his head stuck in the jumper he asked if it was ok with me. I thought to myself "well this guy couldn't get anymore adorable than this... silly goose" I said it's ok in the end obviously, which girl wouldn't! lol

We were laying on the bed talking for ages about pretty much nothing, then he started to fall asleep, so I thought of a serious question to ask him hoping that it would surprise him and wake him up a little. I asked him "Do you like me?" I was expecting "huh? What? ...ummm no!", but instead I got "yer... a lot." I was so stunned by the response myself that I nearly fell off the bed, I really didn't see that coming. I got rather curious about this boy, so I asked "eeerrr... why do you like me? ... a lot.", "umm.. I don't know... umm... because you are funny, different than any other girls I've ever meet... and also very beautiful." OMG! My face must had went bright red, but thanks God that it was dark so he couldn't see. I didn't know what to say to that, I thought he was going to stop at 'I don't know...', so all I could do was to stare at him with a surprised face.

"ummm... what...?" he asked finally realized that I wasn't talking anymore. I snapped back just in time to give him a smile in response, I was flattered to heaven almost! From that moment on I know I would remember the first time I fell in love, it was like a bee desires for honey... magical.


Simple, sweet, like an easy summer breeze... I need to find that kind of love, 'cause that's what I want.

Sun. 23rd May .10

Distraction, a loved but unwanted text came up. Just so how does it work? It has always been his choice, because I let him. I could only blame myself for how we ended up, I loved you too much, I hate it. I allowed myself to eat too much junk food, and now I'm suffering to find my old self.

Life be harsh on me, but did she really love you more than I did? Are you truly happy with her? Why do you expect me to put up a smile for you every time you mention her name? I can't promise I won't cry, but if it really hurts you, I will try and hide it.

I wish you could understand, but deep down we both know that I'm only what you want, not what you need. I'm sorry that I'm not pure enough for you, I'm sorry that I'm not capable of letting you go, but if you are willing to give me time, I promise I would force myself to walk away from you.

It has always been your choice before, but not anymore...

Sat. 22nd Mat .10

Today I opened my eyes, I saw that life could be so different, could be so exciting. I see that image of love everywhere; I see couples holding hands, love songs played by the river side, romantic cafes, even love stories being played on the television. It is like God is either trying to make fun of what I've lost, or He is trying to show me how to love again. I took notice, but I could only laugh and cry at the same time. I do not know how to respond to Him, I wondered to myself; everybody what's that happiness, but who actually knows what it means? Or even what it is...?


These days I like to pick my nails for some reason, and today I accidentally took too much off my left thumb. Because my nails had always been long and quite strong, so my finger tips has never touched anything before.
It felt strange at first running my tips across the smooth skin of my thumb, it felt like a small child's hands. A gentle tap like a baby dreaming, it is sensitive, almost not real. Exciting, exhilarating but strange and new at the same time.

Skip a heart beat, takes your breath away, almost like electricity... I think this must be what if feels like to fall in love; blissful but a little painful at the same time.

Like sweetener to my heart...

Fri. 21st May .10

Take me back to some of those funny moments in life, I couldn't help it but smile to myself. I love those days where you wake up in the morning, you open your eyes and you know today is going to be a better day.

Like one time, I went to Lex, my ex boyfriend's football match, and because we lived quite far away from each other so none of his friends meet me before. Then there was one of his friends came over sat right next to me and yelled out "So where is Mr Big Sex's shmexy asian girlfriend?" and everybody was eyeballing me at her lol. After that, she was too embarrassed to talk to me, but we became good friends later on. Things like these still makes me laugh thinking about it.
Just silly things like that is what we need to capture in our lives, to make us see all the wonderful occasions this world could bring.


I went to the Jazz and Blues festival this afternoon down at Darling Harbor by myself. While the music was playing, everybody was moving to the rhythm and enjoying themselves. after the music, they had the fireworks on, while energetic music flowed through the speakers out to everyone of us.
As I watched these magical lights flicker in the night sky, I wonder to myself; why do people like fireworks so much? It really is just gun powder setting off in the sky over us... But then I realized it doesn't matter what it is, the point is that it makes people happy, it puts a smile on everybody's face. Why? because we are all willing to open up and see the beauty in something so simple, even if it takes sitting out in the cold rain in the middle of winter. Just like one of the songs they played tonight, the chorus goes like this 'Can you see the beauty, even if it's not pretty.' I thought it was perfect.

Thur. 20th May .10

When the train speeds away towards your new destination, leaving everything behind. Then soft metals clashing together, the galloping sound of the great iron horse.

Why do we want control all the time? How often do we just let God do his work? He must find us very irritating, because we often want to hold on, we often want to be the boss of everything.
I find that the more you want it to go your way, the more it never goes to plan. You can plan however much you want, but life's just like a little child, who likes to throw surprises in all the wrong times, and it probably will do that for the rest of your life. So all you could do is to try and enjoy everyday as it comes... Life's too short to wast a day on unhappiness.


The fine tune plays, the happy melody flows through me, the uneven quavers drums away as the flush of memories stuns my heart. I remember, I soak up the precious moments and remembered who I was. I used to love these joyful records, I loved to dance around and sing these uplifting lyrics... What happened? I used to love who I was, the times I used to smile and make even myself laugh until I could no longer breath. I miss that cheerful child.

Wed. 19th May .10

What am I? What do I want? How did I end up here? Why am I like this? I don't understand...

I'm so lost, I yet to understand my existence on this planet. I want to know why I live everyday, or else what's the point? You struggle so hard, you fight to the death, then what? At the end of the day you just lay your head down and rest. Then when another day comes, you got no choice but to start again.

When your whole life lays empty ahead of you, when you look back at your past, you see nothing but because you wake up the every next morning and your still alive. The crazy thing is that this stupid and boring cycle doesn't end until you could no longer "try" and get through each day anymore, then you die.

People tell me that there is so much wonderful and beautiful things in this world that is worth living for just to see, but when I look out the window, I see only emptiness. Even if I do see the beauty, I can't catch it and plant the divine beauty within me. It's all just like an illusion, I can't touch it... Where's my passion gone? Where's my beauty that I've been searching for?

One of my goal in life is to live a life so full filled, so amazing that when I'm old and could no longer carry myself, I could still live on the pure juiciness of my wonderful memories. But how could I achieve that when I can't even see the simple beauty out side my little window frame?

Sometimes letting go of something that you've been holding on for so long is very hard. You feel like it is a part of you, but yet that part never seemed to fit perfectly. You don't want it slip away, therefore, you hold it even tighter. But the more you tense and try to hold on, the quicker it slips through your fingers, like sand. Before you've realize what your doing, it's already too late and all your left with is te marks on your hand. You could do nothing but to stare at it and feel the pulsing pain.

Why do people feel upset, hurt and pain? Why do we burden ourselves with such unpleasant feelings? In order to be happy, we have to accept, forgive and move on. We often let the past stop us from moving forward.

彭佳慧 一九九幾的他

A series of over due conversation, a strand of his hair.
A silent phone call, a sudden numb at heart.
I used to miss him, could I still do the same?

Reality took away my fairy tale, and brought back another him.
I want to go home, using my broken foot steps...
I'm dying in pain, but who would know?
Hide myself from the world, I'm on my last option.

He is not him, he won't understand my terrified heart.
He is not him, how could I ever fall in love again?
He is not him, I don't think I could ever say the same words again.

The him before, would he still remember me...?
Love isn't that powerful, I'm not going to cry anymore...

Hurt...

How could somebody keep loving another when they betrayed, cheated, bad mouthed, played games and made you feel like crap every time you spoke to him? This love isn't the happiness that you wished for, it's the pain of not being cared, of the love you gave been wasted.

At first I didn't understand; I thought he just made a mistake, he was just confused, my heart kept making excuses for him to fool my brain that he is still mine. What I didn't know was that I was already making my own poison.
He left me for his ex, then came back to me, he left me for his ex again, he came back to me, he wanted to be single, he came back to me, he wanted to be apart, he came back to me... then he left me again.... Why don't people like him understand how much it hurts to love someone like him?

I fell in love with him when the first time our eyes meet, he asked me out to go to the beach with him. We swam in the ocean together, his warmth shield me from the cold. We watch the sun set over the pacific, we danced under the stars, we slept in the car... I dreamed a dream for us to be together.
Next thing you know, he picked me up from the airport, took me to our favorite park next to the Sydney harbor bridge. Then he gave me a big hug and knelt down on one knee, he took out a small box... "(my name), would you be my wife and spend the rest of our lives together?" I nearly melted on the spot, I couldn't even make a sound come out of my mouth! Thinking back to that moment now just hurts too much.

i feel so alone out here all by myself... ever since the whole thing exploded in my face, I just felt so lost. I kept telling myself; just forget about him, you are better than this, be strong, you can do this, don't cry... I'm in soo much pain you have no idea, the pass three months has been like near death. Every time my emotions takes over I am at tugger war with myself.

Ever since Tuesday, I promised myself I will have nothing to do him, I will not shed another tear for him. I deleted all his photos, emails, threw away everything that reminds me of him. But I've just been like a walking corp, I couldn't sleep at night, I could hardly get myself to do anything... during the day, I try and occupy my mind, just drag myself to get through the day. Then at night, when I lay my head down on the bed to try and sleep; the memories, his smell, his touch... everything about him fills my mind over the brim. So all I could do to stop myself from crying is to get up and do pretty much nothing but go on the internet or watch tv... I've lost so much weight, I've become so weak, I hate myself for allowing so much of him in me... I don't understand how I could possibly feel so much for this guy after all his done to me. I am going crazy, I am mentally not right; sometimes I see him walking on the streets, I see his car drive pass, I would hear my phone ring... I would see his emails... god, how long is this non sense going to last? It's been three months, I can't take this any longer... he is pushing me way too far, sooner or later I'm going to fall and I am going to hit the ground. He would stand at the top, watching, laughing... no body would catch me.

Today, I let myself go... I let my tears fall, I let my memories run free, I allowed myself to listen to his songs that he wrote for me, just so that I could hear his voice again. I drowned myself in the poison of broken heart that came within me... I hoped that this would make things easier that I've let it all out, but I'm still here, I'm so ashamed. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want this to end, I don't want to feel the pain, I don't want to cry anymore... I just want to be happy again...