Hurt...

How could somebody keep loving another when they betrayed, cheated, bad mouthed, played games and made you feel like crap every time you spoke to him? This love isn't the happiness that you wished for, it's the pain of not being cared, of the love you gave been wasted.

At first I didn't understand; I thought he just made a mistake, he was just confused, my heart kept making excuses for him to fool my brain that he is still mine. What I didn't know was that I was already making my own poison.
He left me for his ex, then came back to me, he left me for his ex again, he came back to me, he wanted to be single, he came back to me, he wanted to be apart, he came back to me... then he left me again.... Why don't people like him understand how much it hurts to love someone like him?

I fell in love with him when the first time our eyes meet, he asked me out to go to the beach with him. We swam in the ocean together, his warmth shield me from the cold. We watch the sun set over the pacific, we danced under the stars, we slept in the car... I dreamed a dream for us to be together.
Next thing you know, he picked me up from the airport, took me to our favorite park next to the Sydney harbor bridge. Then he gave me a big hug and knelt down on one knee, he took out a small box... "(my name), would you be my wife and spend the rest of our lives together?" I nearly melted on the spot, I couldn't even make a sound come out of my mouth! Thinking back to that moment now just hurts too much.

i feel so alone out here all by myself... ever since the whole thing exploded in my face, I just felt so lost. I kept telling myself; just forget about him, you are better than this, be strong, you can do this, don't cry... I'm in soo much pain you have no idea, the pass three months has been like near death. Every time my emotions takes over I am at tugger war with myself.

Ever since Tuesday, I promised myself I will have nothing to do him, I will not shed another tear for him. I deleted all his photos, emails, threw away everything that reminds me of him. But I've just been like a walking corp, I couldn't sleep at night, I could hardly get myself to do anything... during the day, I try and occupy my mind, just drag myself to get through the day. Then at night, when I lay my head down on the bed to try and sleep; the memories, his smell, his touch... everything about him fills my mind over the brim. So all I could do to stop myself from crying is to get up and do pretty much nothing but go on the internet or watch tv... I've lost so much weight, I've become so weak, I hate myself for allowing so much of him in me... I don't understand how I could possibly feel so much for this guy after all his done to me. I am going crazy, I am mentally not right; sometimes I see him walking on the streets, I see his car drive pass, I would hear my phone ring... I would see his emails... god, how long is this non sense going to last? It's been three months, I can't take this any longer... he is pushing me way too far, sooner or later I'm going to fall and I am going to hit the ground. He would stand at the top, watching, laughing... no body would catch me.

Today, I let myself go... I let my tears fall, I let my memories run free, I allowed myself to listen to his songs that he wrote for me, just so that I could hear his voice again. I drowned myself in the poison of broken heart that came within me... I hoped that this would make things easier that I've let it all out, but I'm still here, I'm so ashamed. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want this to end, I don't want to feel the pain, I don't want to cry anymore... I just want to be happy again...