Sat. 31 July 10

Sitting here listening to her dreadful whining, slowly picking empty the insides of my skull... Feeling like my insides are going to collapse on me.
I could never understand why things turned out this way, but what can you do? The most precious thing on this planet is time. Many days I wish things could be different, how much I wish it is only a click of a finger to turn back time. Had God made our lives cross over for a reason? I see no sense in this. Is this truly for the greater and the better future that supposedly lay before us all? Where did my father above gone? Had He feel no love for me? Had I been an awful daughter? Please help me father...


I had to cover up Diosa's cage, she's driving me crazy. She might be upsetting Amor more than me, but I don't even know anymore. Diosa continues to whine, now even louder than before.
Amor had already shed her wings, she's lost hope. Every night her heart-wrenching cry wakes me up. I could no longer comfort her without waking Diosa, so I just stay still where I am; in that awful dream tat tortures all of us.

It would always begin with him and I sitting on the swings together, laughing, joking about, having the best of time. I could see our little cottage home in the distance with the warming glow of lights pouring out from the windows. The next second, we would be chasing each other around in our little front yard next to the lake, which we called the ice Queen. He would grab hold of my arm and spin me around, catching my fall in his strong arms. We would laugh even more and uncontrollably until we run out of breath. Then he would land a gentle and warming kiss on my cheek that felt like forever engraved into my melting heart.
Amor would have her beautiful wings back, she would once again; enchant us with her charming voice that would even warm someone like Hitler's heart up.


Near our house, there is a hill protecting us from all the evil things outside. The hill is covered with blooming orchids in the color of blue, purple, pink and white.
Then one day, a little bicycle would appear out of nowhere in our little from yard. So he and I decided to get our picnic gear and head up the hill for the best view. The day would seem endless, we would ride up and down the hill, spinning in circles round and round on the bike laughing. And finally when the sun sets at the end of the day, we would park our bike near by and start our picnic. We had wine, pasta and cheese cake. Under the candle light, we would enjoy the most stunning view; with the sun setting over the ice Queen, our little cottage home down the bottom with the swings staring up at us jealously. He would hold me in his arms and forever whisper in my ear those favorite words I love to hear 'I love you...' until I fall asleep.


Then I would wake up to the cold stare of Eddy. The girls are silent under his cold stare. My voice would be stuck in between my aching, dried up throat. I check the time, 5:45am exactly, the same time as every other morning. I would sigh and tell Eddy to piss off, roll over and hope to squeeze more sleep out of me.

My beautiful nightmare would continue to torture me night after night... In the background I could hear Diosa's horrible whining and Amor's heartbreaking cry...

...endless.

Thur.15th July .10 There's an elephant following me!

Woke up this morning feeling a bit crooked, not sure why, but maybe some of those sleepless nights and those constant nightmares are finally catching up to me.
The first thing I felt was emptiness; a very super, big, fat one staring right back at me. It's that stupid elephant, people would normally call it depression, but I call him Eddy.

Eddy would actually be a good friend if he doesn't always take up so much space and your time. Most of the time alone I spent with Eddy, he seems pretty nice at the start, but once your in his company for too long he gets irritating. He would follow you around like a big baby. When you go to the shops, people would stare but keep their distance. They generally look at Eddy's size and go wow, but afraid to get his attention, because if Eddy sees you like him, he would invite his friends around to follow you.

I feed Eddy heart aches and loneliness most of the time, silence would be our audience; they seem to like my muted show a lot. I would tell Eddy about my troubles and odd dreams that I had, the things you can't really just walk up to someone and start a conversation on. Eddy would listen, he hears it all with his big flapped ears, but he doesn't speak. I could tell by his expression that he understands me, he gives me the warmth back to feed my emotions and he comforts me. These days I begin to think that maybe I am the one feeding off poor Eddy, not the other way around. That thought scares him.

Eddy follows me around a lot lately, it is hard to lose him. I would run around the corner to hide or escape by listening to music when he irritates me, but he would always know what I'm doing or where I am...

Wed. 14th July .10

Last night I was really emotional about what happened between my love one and I, I couldn't keep him out of my mind. I tried to sleep it off but failed, I was out of ideas on how to keep it out and time was slowly creeping towards 2am. I prayed. I told the one above that he is the one throwing the dice for us all, and His heart is as cold as ice, but surely all this is going to work out the best for us all right? We ma not understand this whole thing right away, but soon when the time is right, He shall guide us.

I would like to just for one second of my life to know that I am in control; seems so hard to even try and make the smallest things go my way for a change. The chance never comes and my faith in believing is slowly dying.

I've decided that my brain and my heart have two different mind of their own, my body has no control :( So on the edge of becoming a nutter, I named my brain Diosa (meaning Goddess) and my heart Amor (meaning love). (Am I insane already? Does naming your own organs count?)

I set Diosa free out of her cage for the night, attempting to keep my lover out of my head. I let her roam free in the land of imagination and secrets. To help her dance for the wind and soul of my magical garden, I played Claude Debussy's 'Claire de lune'.
Diosa danced so beautifully in the notes of music; she painted and drifted towards Amor's cage, which I tightened the lock before hand. Diosa flashed the image of the troubled male, Amor sighed, shivered and shrank back in the dark.
I called for Diosa, but she does not hear; she kept close at Amor's cage. She twisted and twirled, she played a memory of mine to Amor. My love came in sight, he presented the viewer with violet blue orchids wrapped up with gold paper. He reaches out to touch Amor's soft and delicate cheeks. Amor smiled a weak smile that made her cheeks blush, she drifted towards the edge of the cage following his touch. Our gaze locked, his blue, crystal clear eyes agreed with mine... I bloomed.


Diosa slowly glide over next to Amor, she does not notice as she was weak under his gaze. Diosa moves closer, she mimics and whispered " I'm not... sure... we're just not... can't... together... well, goodbye." Those blue eyes suddenly turn bitter and hollow. he is fading away from me! A struck of panic fell across Amor's pretty little face, she lets out a shock scream as she leaps for his shadowing hand, but was restricted by the golden cage the burned her skin.
"No! come back..." Amor's eyes wide open with tears, searching for for that familiar image, but he was gone. She's frightened, she cried, she shook my cage and she broke free. Diosa fled.

It's a mess out there, Amor fell to the ground. Flowers turned gray, trees shred it's leaves, black and white... storm in the distance as it begins to shower. Her soft wings and her best gown now soaked, her frail foot steps treads towards her love roses, which has down turned dark gray and fragile. She begin to sob her sorry tears; Amor felt weak and abandoned. All the love has been drained out of her; what use is there of a heart that has no love?

Finally, she collapsed in her roses, they no longer give her the strength to go on, they no longer comfort her. Big drops of heart ache begin to leak from her empty eyes, she could no longer hold them in, they had filled her over the top.
The rain got heavier as her body sinks down, drowning in her own hopeless tears. She drew her last breath and fare welled her love rose garden.

I woke up with a shock, gasping for air, I panicked. My pillow soaked with my tears, Claude Debussy still finely playing 'Claire de lune' in the background. I quickly checked Diosa and Amor's cages... they stare back at me with their innocent eyes, safe and sound.

I got dressed, had some breakfast and head out for another lifeless and tiring day.

confused...

would it seem foolish of me if I want to give him another chance?

Why?

what the hell is the matter with this world?

Mon 24th May .10

Tonight we watched a movie called 'Post Grad', and the main character's boyfriend looked a lot like my second boyfriend, Lex; he walks the same, talks the same, even some of the story line are similar.
For some reason these days, things kept reminding me off him, it seems like I've been living off the happy memories of when Lex and I were together. Remembering the time when we first meet, the times when we went out, our first kiss together, the time when he picked me my first rose from the garden... it was so simple, but we were just so happy together.


We meet at a space camp during school. When I first noticed him was when I was walking down to breakfast; he was in his short shorts and trainers, puffing his lungs out from running training. To be honest, I thought he was kinda dorky, so didn't pay much attention to him.
The next contact we had was during a project, our group was in trouble and we needed a pair of scissors, so I ran over to his group (well, more like tootled over :S) and pretty much demanded him to get me one. He was very shy but kind, he listened and got me theirs.

After that, we were eating at the canteen, I was with my friend Allen, and Lex was the only one left eating except for us. I felt sorry for him that he had no friends, so I asked him to come over and sit with us. I don't think he wanted to, but he was too shy to say no, so he listened and came over. I remember asking him his name numerous times, it was embarrassing. I kept thinking that his name was Fred for some odd reason. He must have thought I had a memory like a gold fish or something. :P


I don't remember how we got each others numbers, but I texted him at 'lights out' to see if he wanted to watch some tv with me at the common room. However, by the time he got there, the room was already locked, so we ended up trying to get back in the dorms to find ourselves locked out! Thank God that his room was on ground level and his window was open so we could climb in. I was the first one trying to get through the window, but I had some trouble (fat butt), so he pretty much shoved me in.
After we got in, he wasn't tired and neither was I, so we decided to have a chat and hang out for a while. I remember that it was getting rather stuffy in the room at one point, so he started taking off his jumper. Half way through, with his head stuck in the jumper he asked if it was ok with me. I thought to myself "well this guy couldn't get anymore adorable than this... silly goose" I said it's ok in the end obviously, which girl wouldn't! lol

We were laying on the bed talking for ages about pretty much nothing, then he started to fall asleep, so I thought of a serious question to ask him hoping that it would surprise him and wake him up a little. I asked him "Do you like me?" I was expecting "huh? What? ...ummm no!", but instead I got "yer... a lot." I was so stunned by the response myself that I nearly fell off the bed, I really didn't see that coming. I got rather curious about this boy, so I asked "eeerrr... why do you like me? ... a lot.", "umm.. I don't know... umm... because you are funny, different than any other girls I've ever meet... and also very beautiful." OMG! My face must had went bright red, but thanks God that it was dark so he couldn't see. I didn't know what to say to that, I thought he was going to stop at 'I don't know...', so all I could do was to stare at him with a surprised face.

"ummm... what...?" he asked finally realized that I wasn't talking anymore. I snapped back just in time to give him a smile in response, I was flattered to heaven almost! From that moment on I know I would remember the first time I fell in love, it was like a bee desires for honey... magical.


Simple, sweet, like an easy summer breeze... I need to find that kind of love, 'cause that's what I want.

Sun. 23rd May .10

Distraction, a loved but unwanted text came up. Just so how does it work? It has always been his choice, because I let him. I could only blame myself for how we ended up, I loved you too much, I hate it. I allowed myself to eat too much junk food, and now I'm suffering to find my old self.

Life be harsh on me, but did she really love you more than I did? Are you truly happy with her? Why do you expect me to put up a smile for you every time you mention her name? I can't promise I won't cry, but if it really hurts you, I will try and hide it.

I wish you could understand, but deep down we both know that I'm only what you want, not what you need. I'm sorry that I'm not pure enough for you, I'm sorry that I'm not capable of letting you go, but if you are willing to give me time, I promise I would force myself to walk away from you.

It has always been your choice before, but not anymore...